Would you believe I have a 14 year-old?

Yup! That's right. 14 years ago today I gave birth to my first, firstborn daughter ;-) She was, and continues to be, one of my proudest achievements. And not just for the beautiful child I helped to create but also for the beautiful family I helped to make.

THE DECISION
My story begins as a typical, unplanned teenage pregnancy (as so many do ;-). I was 17 nearing my 18th birthday. As I had a sneaking suspicion I was pregnant, I took some prenatals as a precaution and scheduled a doctors appointment for my 18th bday. I delayed the conformation of pregnancy for 2 reasons: 1. I thought the doctor was obligated to tell my parents if I was a minor and 2. I had done the math and knew I'd be at the end of my first trimester. By waiting to confirm until the end of my first trimester I knew that would take one option off the table. My boyfriend was a staunch atheist and I felt that he might be a little more comfortable with that option than I was, so I chose to avoid having that discussion. The truth is, that while he may have been tempted to take the easy way out given the choice, I'm not sure he would have. Let me tell you more about my baby daddy (whom I will here on out refer to as J). J and I had been dating on and off for ~ 3 years. He was my first boyfriend and of course I absolutely loved him. Here is where my story might differ from most: J was completely supportive through my whole pregnancy and was active in planning the adoption. We were on the same page and that helped a lot. However, his family only just found out about the adoption within the last few years by a fluke. He chose not to share the pregnancy with them.

Moving on. We shuffled our feet for awhile but finally made an appointment with an agency about 2 and 1/2 moths out. We chose LDS Family Services (that's the Mormon church for those of you who don't know). While this might seem an odd choice for the atheist and the indifferent (me), we had a lot of close friends who were Mormon and we saw a lot of positives to their culture and beliefs. Our appointment did not go famously. We got very lost trying to get there and became so frustrated we almost gave up. Once we did get there, they made us sit through these horribly, cheesy videos that seamed like they were trying to make us conflicted even though we were very confident in our decision. I understand they wanted us to explore our options, but by that point all the exploring had been done and we knew what we wanted. It kind of felt like they were undermining us a little. All well. Even though we weren't entirely pleased that first meeting, we were sent home with a handful of profiles to go through. We had decided that we wanted a family who already had one child (didn't matter if they were biological or adopted). We both had siblings and wanted a guarantee that our child would have at least 1 sibling. We decided to go through them separately and talk them over afterwards. While going through the profiles, which consisted of a Birth Mother letter, background info, and pics (this was way before blogs), I truly felt for each of the families. There were some great families but in the end only one truly spoke to me. When I called J to get his impressions, he had totally honed in one the same family as well. They were this adorable little family with a 2 1/2 year old little girl (who was also adopted). They were down to earth, very real, not pretentious in the least, and they just felt sincere where as some others seemed like they were trying soooo hard it was difficult to tell how honestly they were representing themselves. It was decided!

We waited a couple weeks to let them know. I wanted to tell them in a special way, so I waited until Christmas (~5 weeks before my due date). I put together a gift package for them with an outfit, a story book, a stuffed animal, a baby book in which I had put my ultrasound pics, a dress I had picked out for her blessing to show that I was supportive of the faith in which she was going to be raised, and a card that began "Congratulations it's a Girl!".

Their case worker delivered my gifts right before Christmas. They sent us pictures of their nursery (which they had put together for their first child), and it was in a "Classic Pooh" theme like the gifts I had got for them. We arranged a meeting for a couple weeks later. The meeting was a little awkward, but given the circumstances it went well. It was a very formal meeting at the agency and with our case workers present, which is why it felt a little odd.

Let me take some time to point out something. Back in the day, open adoption wasn't as main stream as it is today. The most the agency would do was a semi-open adoption. What that meant was we would only know each others first names, all communication was through the agency, we could exchange unlimited pictures and letters the first year, and then annually (pics only up to 3 years). It wasn't an extremely personal process and the thing which really stunk was that they couldn't be there when she was born  :-(

Even though I complained about my first interaction with the agency, everything after that was great given the limited circumstances. I loved our case worker and all the staff was great. They just had to learn more about us in order to know how to deal with us and they totally adjusted to our personalities.

Back to the story. We exchanged a couple more letters in the weeks following as my due date quickly approached, and then passed. I was induced a week past my due date.

My labor was super quick and easy. I kind of thought I was being rewarded for my good deed, but in retrospect I realize that my anesthesiologist probably took pity on me and went a little heavy on the epidural as I did not feel anything. Of course, she was a beautiful baby. I had no maternal bone in my body and had only done minimal baby sitting, but I was surprised how natural everything felt. J was with me, my family visited as did some of my friend's families. It was for the most part a very positive and loving environment. The 2 exceptions were my mom and the nurses. My mom was more torn up about the adoption than I was. Something I failed to mention before, is that I have a sister who is 4 1/2 years older than me. She too had a baby when she was 18 that she raised. Watching my sister's struggles definitely helped direct my decision to adoption. My mother helped raise my little niece who was only 4 at the time and losing my baby was extremely hard for her. The second person, the nurse, also tried to persuade me to keep the baby. I knew I was doing the right thing and was so surprised at how people felt the need to interfere. The kicker was when I was being discharged the next day and the hospital staff refused to let the baby go with my case worker. I had signed the papers in the hospital but for some reason they felt the need to insist that the baby leave with me. I remember J and I sitting in the room tossing a plush bunny back and forth as we were listening to our case worker actively go at it with the staff in the hall. Eventually everything was settled and she got to go and be with her family. The law called for the baby to be placed in a cradle care home for a couple of weeks before placement but luckily I was able to waive that and she got to go home 24 hours after she was born, I felt that sort of made up for them not being able to be there.

LIFE AFTER PLACEMENT

I didn't hear from her family for 11 days which drove me crazy as I

didn't even know what they had decided to name her! Finally I got a

letter with some pictures and it was like Christmas. The reason it took them so long to get back to us was that they had a hard time settling on a name. I was surprised by the name they choose as it was something I had never considered, but I did love it. They were ahead of their time as the name the chose became quit popular in the years to follow. But for the purposes of this blog I will refer to her as "I".

It was always like Christmas when the agency called to let us know there was something waiting for us. We continued to correspond and slowly built a relationship. I'm sure open adoptions today are fantastic with phone calls, emails, facebook, blogs, pics via the web, and even visits but there was something so fabulous about having an old fashioned correspondence. They always sent lovely letters on lovely stationary. I got pictures their 2 year old drew, a copy of the birth announcement, and a whole slew of other things. It was nice to have these beautiful, tangible things to revisit whenever I wanted. They were very good at writing and when our first year came to an end, they always crammed a years worth into the annual letter.

It did feel weird coming home from the hospital but as I found out with each of my other children, it always feels weird coming home from the hospital. All of these months leading up to it, and then it's over just like that and you have to work to find a new normal. First, I slept. I think I slept for about 3 days and then I woke-up refreshed and eager to start working towards a new and better normal.

Throughout my pregnancy and planning the adoption I felt so motivated to make the most of my second chance and to get my butt in gear, now it was time to get moving. First order of business was finding a job. By chance I found a great job working for a family owned business close to school. I told them (probably during the interview) that I had just placed a baby for adoption and they were very supportive. The next order of business was school. I enrolled at the local community college. I stayed with my job for 2 years while I paid my way through community college earning an associates. By doing this my wonderful father agreed to pay for me to go to an instate university. J and I stayed together for a year or so after but he started to move into a different direction and I was getting ready to go off to college. We split on good terms and still have a special relationship to this day.

Finally, I was off to college! It was fantastic to be on my own surrounded by my like minded peers. I was very open about "I" even with the couple guys I dated. Everyone was supportive. Never once, to this day have I ever been given as much as a weird look when I share the fact that I'm a Birth Mom. On St. Patty's day 2001 I was set up on a blind date with a guy who lived an hourish away near my home town. We were inseparable for the 3 days before I went back to school and 8 months later we were engaged! I was entering my final semester of my senior year planning my wedding and graduation that were coming up that Summer. Life was good and I really wanted to share these events with the people who helped make it possible by being such wonderful parents to "I" and by always being soooo supportive of me.

FROM A SEMI-OPEN TO AN OPEN ADOPTION!!!!!!!

With all the beautiful letters, pictures, drawings and everything else they had sent me, I felt the need to organize them so I started scrapbooking. I had started from the beginning but could never seem to catch-up because there was so much stuff. One break, up at school, I was trying to catch-up and was going through all the stuff I wanted to include. I came across a Christmas letter from a while back. It was their general xmas letter that they had sent out to everyone so it had some personal information in it. As with all such information, the agency had taken a sharpie to it. I had had the letter for some time now, but now I was able to read through the sharpie! I had always had an idea where the dad had worked because of some information they had shared in their Birth Mother letter, but never thought to investigate it because 1. it is a large employer and I only knew his first name which was a very common one, and 2. I didn't have a good enough reason to try and make contact with them. So I took to the web with my new piece of information not thinking it would lead to anything but sure enough, the department he worked for only had about 7 people and only one of them had his name. I had found them. Again, I waited until Christmas and sent a card to his work. I included my email and told them about my upcoming graduation and wedding. Again, I waited for a couple of weeks without hearing back. I began to wonder whether I had crossed a line though I felt pretty confident that they would receive it well. Then I began to wonder if I did have the right person or if it had become lost.

My "A" parents, my hubby, and I at graduation

Finally I got an email, they had been on vacation. What was funny was that they had always known my full name as they were able to read through the sharpie on the ultrasound I gave them when I had let them know that we chose them. Furthermore, they had done their research and knew that only 1 instate college offered my program. They knew who I was, where I was, and were already planning on coming to my graduation! We began to exchange emails and things progressed from there. Before I knew it, I was done with college. They came to my graduation and that was only the second time I had ever seen them, the first being when I was pregnant.

A couple months later I was getting married. My "A" mom came to my bridal shower and gave me years worth of chocolate chips (the good kind) and her chocolate chip cookie recipe. They followed up with a Kitchen Aide for our wedding present to make the cookies with. 9 years later I still pull out her hand written recipe in the card it came in, to make her cookies in my Kitchen Aide ;-) Moving on. You might be wondering about "I". At this point (she was 4), I still hadn't seen her yet. I was following her parents lead who were waiting for the right time and also when it felt right. I was completely okay with this because I knew they knew what was best plus I was really nervous to see her again. In the mean time her "A" parents and I continued to grow our relationship.

"I" ~ 4

We had been married for a couple months when I finally got to see "I" again. She had always known she was adopted like her sister and knew who I was. She had pictures and gifts that I had sent her. Her parents invited us over for dinner and she was expecting us. She was waiting in her little fold-up chair in front of her house when we pulled up. Of course I was so excited to see her, but still so nervous. I was sure she had all these ideas about me and I just didn't know what she wanted/needed from me. In retrospect, I was probably overanalyzing the 4 year-old psyche. The other thing I was nervous about? I didn't know anything about kids. I had barely been around them. I barely baby sat. I was clueless. I was extremely intimidated by this little 4 year-old. Luckily I had my fabulous husband who is the best ice breaker ever. I survived it, it was a beginning, and that was something.

We didn't see each other a lot as they're about an hour away, but my "A" mom and I talked a lot on the phone (which is still the case). Then something wonderful happened at the end of that year, "I"'s parents were chosen again by another birth mom. I remember I was at the grocery store buying crab legs and steak for our first new years as a married couple when I got the call that their new baby had been born. My husband and I got to go down to the hospital and see their newest addition. This time was so much better for them. They even got to stay in the hospital with their baby. It goes to show just how much things had changed in the 5 years between their last 2 adoptions (it was through a different agency though).

Several months later and a couple get togethers later, I got to go to their baby's blessing AND we were expecting our first baby. It was such a fantastic, surreal moment.

A little over a year after their youngest child was born, we had our first. Even though it was snowing they came to visit. I will admit that I had always wondered if having my own would make me feel differently about placing "I" for adoption. The truth is it validated it even more. For one I got to be a stay at home mom just like "I"'s mom and I saw how important that was. And secondly, becoming a mom was so wonderful and here is this couple that I have grown to absolutely love, that I wished that I could do it again for them. My "A" parents were so supportive and informative as I started my own family. I called them with all my questions (and they always had the answers). Still to this day, they are my first go to on parenting advice. We now have 3 girls (just like them) and mine have a very similar age distribution as theirs. They have been there through it all. I'm still getting to know "I" as she is transforming into a young women but appreciate her for all that she is. I'm so lucky to have her and her family in my life! Happy Birthday to a sweet, beautiful, talented, smart, caring young lady!